When my marriage broke down I assumed that my heart would become even more closed and damaged than I believed it already was. In a lot of ways I had shut down over the years and was starting to feel less and less all the time.
Maybe that was a symptom of the relationship I was in, maybe it was the underlying cause of our problems. It’s hard to say which caused which or if it turns into a downward spiral you can’t escape until the relationship has disappeared down the drain completely.
I expected to be afraid of my future, disappointed with my past, reeling from the rejection and ashamed of having been foolish enough to put myself out there. But somehow I wasn’t.
What I didn’t expect from the aftermath of my separation is that my heart actually began to open up and even expanded exponentially. It was almost overwhelming. In spite of all the feels going on and the nights of crying, I suddenly felt more love within my own being than I had experienced in years. I was flourishing within myself, rather than needing external validation to draw it out.
This was a very different pattern to what I was used to.
Sometimes, within a relationship you become constrained within yourself. Different aspects of who you are get rejected by the other person and so you quash them in an attempt to become worthy of their love.
But their love is meager at its best. It can’t nourish your soul and so you wither from the inside-out.
When the conditions and judgement are removed, suddenly you can become yourself again. You can be whole and happy in ways which you weren’t allowed to be when under the scrutiny of your emotional jail warden.
In my journey along the path of witchcraft I have discovered a few things:
First of all, we aren’t just supposed to “do magick” we’re supposed to BE magick.
Secondly, your individual magick can be confronting for other people and may trigger ugly responses such as jealousy, anger, or fear.
These responses from other people don’t mean that you’re incorrect in some way. They just mean that the other person isn’t as comfortable with authenticity as you are. However, they will try to project that sense of being defective onto you, to try and make you wear the discomfort they’re experiencing when they look upon your inner glow.
These aspects of ourselves which other people reject can become our shadows. We see them as the things which make us ugly or unlovable. This isn’t true, but we become conditioned to believe that it is. We start to reject ourselves and the most vulnerable parts of ourselves.
Healing the heart and opening it up to love in the fullest sense is a process of embracing the bits of us which have been abandoned, rejected, treated with derision or labelled bad. We must open our arms and enfold those parts of ourselves in an embrace which says; I love you as you are.
Once you can do this for yourself, you then have the ability to do it for others. Judgement falls away. You’re not here to determine if someone is worthy or not and you’re not here to be deemed worthy in return. You already are.
Don’t keep squashing yourself into little boxes, hiding who you can be, or dimming your light so that someone will find you acceptable.
The real question you must then ask is: does that other person see me as I am and loves me anyway, or do they not? The right person for your life will not be afraid of you; they will be capable of stepping up to match you and they will be able to let you just… be.